It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There was a lot of him and a little penis
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
