Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
