I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
