mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
