Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
