Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Shame - the story of my life.
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