i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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