my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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