in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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