My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
barbara walters just said penis...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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