At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Operation Purity has been aborted
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
