Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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