i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
