I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
