We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
