When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
