i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
