Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
