guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
