did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
as a side note pls kill me
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
