I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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