I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Randomize
