I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
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I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
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Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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