Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
