That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
