no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
BRING THE BAGELS
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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