So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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