pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
