I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There's always time for handjobs
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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