barbara walters just said penis...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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