Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
