batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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