and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
