WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
