whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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