well you can't waste a boner
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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