the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
