I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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