Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
