You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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