so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
