first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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