The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
