Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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