Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
