Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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