Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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