if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just tell him i said nine months
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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