im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
