and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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