The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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