I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
