I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
