so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
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I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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