This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
