and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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