I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
